hey,,my blogs better than urs
15 years ago
Monday, September 22, 2008
Obituary.
The trip is now at its end. The fun started on July 20th and ended on the 26th, when we arrived in Jacksonville florida. They had many fun memories on this trip. They were supervised by Joey, Ray, The Bob, Kyle, Adam, Katie and Troy. There was a total of 3o people on this mission to help two poor Mexican families and there lifes. Throughout this trip they had many ups and downs that they soon got passes together. They will always remember this trip and how it changed there lifes forever.
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Even though this is a rough draft, you should still pay attention to your spelling, capitalization and punctuation. Not only will your efforts make writing the final draft easier, your peers will have an easier time reading and evaluating your rough work. Small things make big impressions!
Work to avoid awkward phrasing like, “During the time of this paper…” or “The past passed.” What does that even mean? Choose the best possible words to express what you mean.
Your poem expresses the variety of emotions that you experienced, and I like when you use alliteration like in the line, “walls and windows are going up.” You might try to use repeated lines to mirror the repeated action described in the poem.
In your story, you use lots of introductory clauses. Make sure you vary your sentence structure more, and be sure to use commas after intro clauses. For example, look at the sentence: “Of course being the summer before my first year of high school i was not trillered to any extent that i had to go.” After you clean up the spelling and capitalization, add a comma after the intro clause: “Of course, being the summer before my first year of high school, I was not thrilled to any extent that I had to go.” I want to know more about how you became close to the family—more details and specifics like when you write about your relationship with Carlos. That part grabbed my attention and really gave me a feel for your situation.
You talk about how you ended up growing emotionally as well as physically. At the end of the story, I start to get a feeling for the heart of your piece, but then the song and the obituary lose that energy. I’m not sure if they are relevant. Strengthen your main point and clarify your ending.
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